Closure (the genesis or exodus of faith)

Hey lovelies, welcome to today's episode - closure, a word that people truly use yet in absolute negation of its true meaning. 

Looking back, I can’t believe this is where it all started, but… I was 9, I woke up to my mom’s soft sobs, thinking back now, I think she was trying to hide how broken she was, but I've always been a light sleeper so I heard the muffled, throaty, sobs. The ones that have you gasping for breath. My mom had just received an accursed call, my grandad, her father-in-law, and biggest support system had died. When I woke up, I rushed to her side and asked, tears filling my eyes, Mommy, why are you crying? She croaked her response, Grandpa is dead, before asking me to go and brush and get ready for school. It felt like the rug was pulled from under my feet and I landed bare-bottom on nails. All I knew about prayer at the time was this, the Lord does not despise the prayer of children, and a broken and contrite heart the Lord will not turn away. Armed with those I ran outside, bruising my knees as I knelt on our concrete backyard ground and prayed with all the fervency I could muster. I was there for all of 30minutes praying, crying, cajoling, even saying… God, I can give you other alternatives but please bring grandpa back. Needless to say, grandpa didn't come back but something in me broke. I was 9, this was my first solo prayer and God dared not to answer me? I was a child. I had a broken and contrite heart. How could he not answer? My conclusion? Everything they said about God was a lie. I didn't get my closure, my grandpa was my whole world and if God couldn't bring him back, what good was that kind of God? That was the exodus of faith for me, a 9-year-old broken-hearted granddaughter.

Closure according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is, an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality, but if we're being honest, do we ever find satisfaction in the end of relationships? If the relationship ends by death or even a breakup, do we truly find satisfaction? This is not a rhetoric, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment section as we continue.

In 2017, I lost my partner, which was the second time I would lose someone close to me suddenly. By then, I was in my early 20s and I had begun to dabble with the idea of God again. I’d seen Him in the capacity of provider and protector, I was beginning to believe, again, my partner? He was solid in his belief, though a sickle-cell carrier, he believed God would heal him and he would live a full life. When I received the call that confirmed him dead, I found myself in my aunt’s arms hearing a shrill that I didn't know was emanating from me. I wanted to die. Most nights, I prayed, Lord take me, please. One night, I heard my partner’s voice say, “Come away with me.” What followed afterward was an out-of-body experience, and I saw myself on the bed while I was seemingly floating mid-air. Lovelies, it was then that I realized I didn't want to die. I screamed and begged and by God, I survived the night. I became afraid of falling asleep, matter of fact, the only way I fell asleep was by listening to gospel music. There was no closure, but there was an encounter that led me to God. Oftentimes, the best alternative for closure is faith. This was the genesis of a fear-based faith, a broken-hearted lover.

According to the Cambridge dictionary, closure is the feeling or act of bringing an unpleasantsituation, time, or experience to an end, so that you are able to start new activities: the problem with this is that if you've ever really needed closure it was because you weren't ready to move on. Because, here, we sought for closure because we are not ready to let go, we say closure when all we truly want is reconsideration. We say closure when truly we yearn for reconnection. 

In 2023, when my career as a screenwriter kicked off, I thought it was “that year”, the year I settle down, start happily ever after and move to a new phase. Judging from the fact that the aforementioned is in past tense you know it wasn't that year. It was however the year that I lost my grandma and my relationship of almost four years ended without warning signs, and at what I considered the peak of the relationship. There's a kind of pain, inexplicable that comes with toggling different types of loss, the kind of pain that caused me to be on the floor almost passed out at 12am, palpitations that felt like an earthquake in my chest and tremors that moved to my arms. It was the kind of pain that led me to God. I found no succor in friends, nor food, nor vices. I had seeming respite in work but even that was short-lived. I found closure in fellowship. It could have swung either way, a run to or from God. I am glad, I chose the former because many times, the latter is easier.

Closure refers to the sense of peace, understanding, and release that comes with accepting that a relationship has ended. I like to say that death brings a certain finality, it is the only form of closure that is final in truth. 

This year, I lost my dad. Many words left unsaid, many deeds undone. When I held my dad’s lifeless body, the devil whispered, with all your prayers? With this your newfound fervency? He called it vanity. Closure to me was in the establishment of faith. Faith that through all the emotions I feel, I am loved. I am held. I am seen. I do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize.

In whatever season of your life that you seek closure, I pray that you find faith at its crucible because for you to truly find closure, you need to be in tandem with God