Knowing Daddy

 Why do we see fathers as pillars of morals, discipline and power but rarely the model of love??? Happy belated father's day dads.

My very good friend is about to become a daddy and I piqued his interest in this topic. I'll be sharing his thoughts on his dad and what he intends to reciprocate in his role as a father.

"My dad taught me the importance of a good name, accountability, and diligence.
To that, I'm super grateful. I'll soon be a dad by God's grace and it's a different feeling".

Fathers are expected to be murals of integrity, and are less likely to be forgiven for things that mothers are easily excused for. Why is this? No matter how much mothers punished their children growing up, we tended to forgive them, in fact sometimes we saw reason with them, but when it was our dads,  it seemed hellish, like they were terrible people for dishing the same, if not less, or sometimes more punishment.

"Was my dad also trying to figure things out? Or did he actually have life figured out like I thought. Did he get scared sometimes? Because I do. But it's a good idea my kids never know that part right? Coz I felt safer thinking my dad ain't scared of shit".

Did you really? Did you really feel safer or just more entitled? Maybe if you knew he was scared then you'd have been more forgiving when you thought he was being mean or negligent, maybe you'd have been more understanding when he seemed distant or aloof. Just maybe.

Our fathers were beacons of hope, whether or not mommy could do it, it didn't matter because, at the end of the day daddy would come back and all would be well. If it wasn't, daddy had failed and we would be unforgiving because he had no such right.

"Thinking deeper about it, he actually did get scared, stranded, and worried. He'll clench my wrist in a suspicious crowd and say, stay close these guys are bad.

He left the steering to give me a high five when I got the email for a big job. He was genuinely happy like my teenage self".

Did you see his humanness? Did it ever occur to you that he also had guards to let down? Did it register somewhere that he too loved to celebrate and be celebrated, to be looked on to, not as provider, but as confidant? Did you pay attention to him too?

"I remember once I was hit sky high by a bike. I held on to the bike man and ruined his intended escape. My dad reached and grabbed him tight by the neck, "do you want to kill my son?" He was so angry and confused. He left the man and came to me. I haven't seen him that way before... "Are you okay?" He actually cared so much like mum. Why won't he say it?

To feign strength was their pyrrhic victory, for if they were always strong, providing, upholding standards and dishing out orders, they were the heads, "fathers indeed".

"Will letting my kids know that I care so much make me a soft dad? Because to be honest, the fear of my dad's rare punishment kept us in check. Would it be the same if he was all lovey-dovey. There's just so much to figure out.

And yet... I'm still gonna be a dad.
The kids mustn't know"!

The kids ought know that daddy is human, that daddy can be lovey-dovey and strict too, that daddy cares as much as mom and daddy might be a superhero but he can sometimes fall short.